Coach's CornerJuly 2015
Drama
So how do we help our girls not become drama queens that are controlled by their emotions — sometimes making all those in their paths or presence regret they were there? Well, that is definitely a challenge. If it were easy, it wouldn’t be such a rare thing to find a girl who can control her emotions. Maybe it’s more that we learn to control our reactions and behavior in spite of emotions or raging hormones. Realizing it is possible and awareness of ourselves is half the battle. More on that in the game plan section of this newsletter and coming book.
Learning to control our own dramas as mothers and model that for our daughters is another huge step in the education of our girls. The filter on our mouth is huge. If we don’t have a strong filter, it can be developed without losing your identity or your sense of humor. But, it can still be added to your personality in such a way that will help build you up, help you be less negative, and model self-control to your daughters.
The progression of motherhood can, itself, lead to heart ache even if everything is going well. We start off learning how to read the needs of our newborns, next we begin trying to read the wants of our toddlers, after that we begin teaching our children to obey our wishes. Then come many stages of release — after we have taught them to feed themselves, dress themselves, read, write, drive safely, and too many more things than can be written here, we must release them into making their own, independent decisions and finally adult choices.
As we begin to grow and mature in our motherhood, it is easy, and often necessary, for us to move into a control mode over our children — and we get stuck there. We want our kids to eventually become independent adults and make wise choices — but sometimes we consider them good choices only as long as they are the same ones we would make. But if they choose their own jobs and paths after high school, as well as their life partners, that we do not approve of, then we can end up in quite a conflict. (Disclaimer: I am not saying that we should not give advice and help our kids make these difficult decisions — but after we have prayed and done our part, it is time to turn it over to our kids and to our God.)
As mothers, we can try to control their actions and force them to live the way we want them to, or we can trust the lessons we’ve taught them and the God we’ve surrendered them to. If we do not, our motherhood can take us into heartbreak and, for some of us, eventually to bitterness. If we walk in the path of surrender little by little, we are ready for the adult moments when we can trust them into God’s hands. Again, I believe strongly in sharing advice and wise counsel, but not in controlling the choices and decisions of our adult offspring.
I had the opportunity to choose my paths and live my life, it only seemed fair to allow my kids (adults) to seek God and learn to follow His direction for their own lives. (Without being disrespectful here of people I love and respect, I had to fight and battle through some resistance in order to follow God to serve him on the mission field. I didn’t want to repeat that same pattern for my own family.) There is a very fine line between hurting for our children as they go through pain and hurting for myself as if they are not individuals but rather they are merely an extension of myself. One is the pain of parenthood; the other is the pain of self-centeredness.
We don’t often see many examples of mature moms allowing their daughters (and sons) to make their own choices in life. Let me tell you here, it is a very tough thing to do. But even though it takes quite a lot of courage and self-control, to do so, it is so much better than the self–inflicted wounds that come from trying to force our will on our adult kids. Maybe we want to live our desires through them or maybe we just think we know best. But it is not right.
The wound comes (self-inflicted) when we choose to believe that our daughter’s bad choice was somehow an attack or intentional injury made on us. Sometimes we even decide that our daughter’s pain is our own. We get angry and hold on to a grudge against them or against those who hurt our kids. When we tell our story, it is their story we claim as our own. Resentment and bitterness now become our own. Drama settles into our character as well.
Our challenge as moms: pray, surrender, obey God’s direction, trust, surrender, and pray some more. Oh, and don’t forget to forgive everyone — for everything! LOL